


Red String of Fate  (Phan AU)

by Nicole_storm



Category: Dan Howell - Fandom, Phandom, Phil Lester - Fandom, dan and phil
Genre: High School AU, M/M, Soulmate AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-18
Updated: 2019-07-18
Packaged: 2020-07-07 23:15:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 14
Words: 21,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19859617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nicole_storm/pseuds/Nicole_storm
Summary: The two people connected by the red thread are destined lovers, regardless of place, time, or circumstances. This magical cord may stretch or tangle, but never break.Phil transfers to a new high school where Dan is an editor on the schools yearbook staff. Follow them through school and summer camp in a world where everyone is connected by a red string of fate.Red string playlist https://open.spotify.com/user/arikant13/playlist/0ahp6HLe82370MgxwYtsmP?si=pCSfL2r8SjqGMgWXZUbMjAPhils playlisthttps://open.spotify.com/user/arikant13/playlist/1dCu18ziqATU7K5YLbyumo?si=T0VqNcZ2SLyafn-F-pgoXwDans playlisthttps://open.spotify.com/user/arikant13/playlist/0gv1ZOakQFhjmY8QLZESg7?si=egiEjm3VQy6u9TcvQi_yHA





	1. One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s nearing the end of the school year when Daniel meets the new student Phil who ends of being in several of his classes

High school is difficult for the usual reasons, friend drama, exams, becoming your own person. High school was difficult for Daniel who drifted between houses of his friends and recently divorced parents never really sticking anywhere. Not fitting in was his M.O. Daniel had acquaintances but never really had a best friend and was never able to find that one person he connected with completely. In a world where everyone is connected by a red string of fate how was it possible that he couldn't connect.

He was eight years old when he first saw someone attached. Two kids in his class brushed up against each other and suddenly everyone could see the string linking them together via their littlest finger. Everyone has their person that fate ties them to. Most find theirs later in life after some searching, few never find their fate.

By high school his parents whose fates where never linked split up leaving Daniel stuck in the middle. It was the last semester before summer and as several students were checking out one student was joining the school.

Going to school any morning was not something Daniel enjoyed. On the morning they met everything seemed easier. Dan had woken up at his friend Monica's house where he had been staying at over the weekend. His neck didn't hurt from sleeping on the couch that was too small for his frame. He woke up with enough time to get ready slowly. When him and Monica left for school they didn't hit any red lights and the barista that gave them their coffee gave Dan a free drink. Dan left Monica sitting in her car where she waited for her boyfriend to meet her. They had found their fate the summer before freshman year. Dan headed for the front office where his first period took place as an office aid. Usually he just sat and did homework and gave students late passes as they arrived throughout the period. Today was going to be different. He had know since he woke up that morning.

Sitting in the spinning chair behind the front desk in between the two secretaries an unfamiliar student walked in. It wasn't a small school so it was entirely possible that they had been going to school with each other for years but Daniel knew every kid that went to school here. Working the front office and being on the schools yearbook staff assured that. It also assured that he was called a loser by every lacrosse player. So when the student walked in Elise turned to Daniel.

"This is Philip. Phillip this is Daniel. You two are in the same graduating class," She said while clicking through her computer trying to print something.

  
"Daniel you will be Philips guide around the school. I know the student president usually does this but as you already know they are unavailable. You have an hour to show him around the campus and help him find his classes. Both of you be back here before the period ends." Elise finished, handing Philip his freshly printed schedule.

"You can just call me Phil." The boy said as Daniel walked up next to him. With a nod Daniel began walking further into the office.

"I'm Dan. Anyway this is the front office. Back here is the principle of the school, the nurses office, and that room is the bat cave." Dan said walking past a closed door.

"What is the bat cave?" Phill asked cocking his head to the side.

"It's just the security room. It's where the guards hang out and where all the cameras are. These doors take us outside towards where your classes should be." Dan said reaching for the schedule. The schedule which was his almost exactly right down to Yearbook staff. Dan nodded handing him the paper back.

He pointed to where his second class was as the walked toward the stairs explaining that the first floor was freshman classes as well as art and computer science. Walking to the top of the building the paused to catch their breath in the landing.

"Here is the junior and senior floor. This is where your classes will be for the rest of the year and down there is where they'll be next year. Our grade level principle and secretary are here." Dan said as he walked past a door. Crossing through an open common area and to another hallway Dan opened a door to a computer lab.

"Dan, ditching first period again?" An older women called from the back of the room.

"Hi Mrs. Lennon. This is Phil he's the new staff member. I'm just showing him the lab." Mrs. Lennon nodded and went to help a yearbook one student with quotation. Phil couldn't help but notice that Dan walked through the room like he owned the place. Wading through students and bags they made it to the far side of the room where another closed door stood with a sign that read "staff only". Dan used a key he had grabbed while passing the teachers desk to let them into the room. It was small with shelves and couches and what looked like a miniature kitchen.

"This is the lab. Only staff members are allowed in here. That includes you. We have snacks and a microwave we use. No sex on the couches and here is every yearbook the school was ever produced." Dan said spinning at the room pointing to various objects. As Phil looked around Dan headed to the corner, pulling a bag of popcorn out and putting it in the microwave. "In this class we live off of popcorn." Dan said with the steaming bag in his hand as he headed back out the door and out of the classroom, not without a quick shout to Mrs. Lennon that he would see her later. They walked back and forth through the hallway pointing to each class Phil had while sharing the bag of popcorn. Dan told him which teachers were shit and which one don't put up with any shit. Once they were done with the main building they took the elevator down. An office aid privilege the other students didn't have. Back outside they walked even further away from the front office. As they walked past two small identical buildings Dan explained without much detail that one was the library and the other was the student store where they sold food during lunch periods. Continuing through the courtyard they entered the cafeteria. Dan didn't say anything other than that he doesn't eat the food in here are he continued to walk through it. Exiting the back doors they walked under a short covering before coming to a large building

"This is the gym. I know you aren't in PE but this is where the sociology classroom is." Dan said entering the building. "Coach hates the other teachers so he teaches class as far away from them as possible. You'll probably be in the gym a lot though for yearbook. Basket ball is one of the biggest photo opportunities." They stopped in front of a door with a do not enter sign on it. Dan reaches for the handle pushing the door open to an empty classroom save for the teacher sitting at the desk. "Hey coach. This is Phil he's in your class I'm just showing that your sign doesn't mean anything." Dan said quickly before exiting the room to avoid conversation. Phil followed shortly after. They walked downstairs into the basketball court area where a PE class was currently being held. Being careful not to be hit by a stray ball they reached yet another set of doors leading to the outside. In the distance stood a football stadium. "Way over there is JROTC and the shooting range. You'll probably end up having to deliver something for office aid and you'll hate how far away it is but it gets you out of the office for a while." Dan said before turning and heading back towards where they began walking along the outside of the buildings this time. They barely made it back to the front by the time the period was over. Elise shook her head at the empty bag of popcorn Dan threw in the trash but didn't have time to comment before the bell rang giving the two time to escape.

Phil was a bit more comfortable with the idea of going to class know he could just follow Dan. It didn't take them more than a minute to get to their second period art class.

"So what else do you do besides yearbook?" Phil asked as Dan pulled a sketchbook from his bag. "Besides yearbook? I am in the poetry club and in the art honor society. I'm kind of a nerd I guess." Dan shrugged.

"If you're such a nerd how did you know every coach we passed by?" Phil questioned as more students trickled in.  
"Like you said I'm on yearbook. I know everyone. Also my dad used to be a coach here so I've known those guys since I was a kid." Daniel responded as he drew little house plants on a already crowded paper. Phil seemed to want to ask more questions but the teacher appeared to take role and after that put on music so loud it would of been difficult to talk over.

The rest of Phil's classes had arranged seating so he was unable to sit next to Dan. That is until yearbook. The two had that class right before lunch and people sat and did what ever. When they got there Mrs. Lennon wasn't in the room. Phil sat at an empty table wondering where she was even after class had already started. He didn't have time to wonder long as Dan stood at the front of the class. With a low whistle he had the attention of every student in the room. He couldn't help but notice there were only three guys including him and Dan in that class.

"Alright guys. We have a new staff member. His name is Phil. I will be rearranging the ladder to give him some spreads to work on." Dan paused as students cheered. Soon some of them would have less work to do. "He'll be in my group so all you guys have to do is not scare him." Daniel said with a smirk towards the end. Dan started walking back towards Phil when the first staff member jumped in front of Phil scaring him out of his seat. A few giggles through out the room sounded and Dan was full on smiling now.

"Sorry about that it's a bit of a tradition. Anyway here's your computer. The fonts we use are on the board and I can't tell you the books theme until you sign a NDA form." Dan rambled falling into a spinning chair only he and another student had. "The chairs are for the editors only but other kids take the ones from the lab sometimes." Dan said explaining without Phil even needing to question. Dan spent the rest of the period reworking what is left of the ladder for the year. Giving Phil two spreads to complete before final deadline. It was the worst time to have to train a new staff member with only two and a half weeks till final deadline but Phil was excited and even offered to work through lunch to get his work done. Dan appreciated that.

The first week went by without a hitch for Phil. He had completed his first spread without too many hiccups. Dans week was another story. His parents though now living apart seemed to never stop arguing and Dan had run out of couches to surf on so he was back in his room when his doorbell rang. He grabbed his camera and his keys from the floor before heading down to the front door. Stood on the other side was Phil. They were taking last minute photos for Phil's final spread. They headed to the school stopping in the way for some food from Sonic. During the week they had discovered their similar taste in music and their shared interest in books and video games. But that was pretty much all they talked about. That and wether or not they had homework due. Phil even debated joining the poetry club so he could hang out with Dan more even though he couldn't write poetry to save his life. Dan seemed to have a way with words. When he was writing them at least.

Stepping out of the car into the student parking lot packed with other cars and buses from different school districts. They were there to photograph the dance team during competition. Dan was grateful to have the competition at the school this year after recalling the five hour drive to a different school last year. They spread out once inside in search of the best photos. Phil wasn't the best photographer but he hoped if he took enough photos he might be lucky and get one usable one. Dan on the other hand couldn't seem to get a bad photo. At least to Phil that seemed the case.

They crossed paths as the competition wore on. Half way through they found each other sitting next to each other on the bottom of the bleachers their cameras forgotten next to them.

"So, I know your favorite bands and what book you're reading but I don't really know anything about you." Phil led. "Do you have any siblings?" Phil's face flushed as he asked Dan, unsure whether their relationship was one that could include personal questions.

"Uh, I have one. A younger brother. What about you?" Dan asked turning to capture another photo.

"I've got an older brother. He stayed in Georgia when we moved though. I haven't spoken to him in a while." Phil trailed on. Steering the conversation away from brothers Dan insulted the current dancers uniform. Calling it an unfortunate assortment of browns and oranges. Phil agreed. Time passed quickly from then on as it usually did for Dan.

Phil's insisted that his mom could pick him up from the event at the school. Dan drove himself home in his mother's car.  
Stepping into his house Daniel could hear the voices coming from the back yard. His father and mother's voice. His younger brother stood in the kitchen listening in on their conversation. Their words faded as he walked up the stairs to his room. The space cluttered with 16 years worth of a persons life. Stacks of books and old homework assignments on the floor of the teenagers bedroom. School was ending in a month and Dan was holding on to all normality by a thread.


	2. Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan and Phil head to summer camp. When something happens in a book store will it bring them closer together or ruin the friendship that was just starting

The book was finally published and Dan felt like he could finally rest. He took final exams with out much attention to them. All of his energy had been put to making sure the yearbook was published. Now that school is over for the summer him and a couple other staff members have to start on next years book. 

They met in the parking lot of the school at an ungodly hour in the morning. Parents were hugging their teenagers goodbye for three weeks, Dans mother stayed in the car as he unloaded his bag from the backseat. Gathered around the small bus that would be driving the students to summer camp were suitcases and coolers of drinks. The pavement beneath their feet already heating with the morning sun. They waited for the seating assignment before climbing in the vehicle. Phil couldn't help but notice how far away Dan was sat from him. During this trip Mrs. Lennon would be announcing the new editor in chief that would be assisting Dan in the job next year. The seven hour car drive let the students chatter eagerly about who they thought it would be. Even Daniel didn't know. After a couple hours of pointless conversation the students settled down to sleep or play on their phones for the rest of the drive. 

Stopping half way for lunch and to walk around they took over a small Wendy's their energy suddenly returned with the food in their systems. By the time they made it to the college campus it was nearing dinner. Mrs. Lennon herded the group to check in. They were handed the dorm assignments and were given 15 minutes to settle in before they met in their workroom. Having done this the summer before Dan knew the drill. He opened the door to the dorm room he would be sharing with Phil as he was the only other boy who came to camp. The other six staff members were girls and were sharing rooms across the hall from them. 

Phil followed Dan through the door awkwardly having never been away from home before. Dan slid his bag under his bunk and sat his laptop on the desk. He waited for Phil to finish putting his clothes into the drawers before they left for their work room that was assigned at the end of the hall. Every staff member was there and waiting for the teacher when they walked up. Dan used his key card to let the group into the room. He noticed Allison had finally changed clothes after spilling lemonade on herself during the ride up. Mrs. Lennon arrived telling the group that they would go to the grocery store and then to get dinner at the mall nearby. Phil took the time during the walk back to the car to talk to Daniel. 

"How cool is this campus. It's huge here and so green it reminds me of home." Phil said excited in his southern accent. Grinning at the pale boy Dan nodded his head. 

"I love the mountains here and I would kill to be able to go to school here." Daniel agreed. Their feet slapped the pavement as the the sun filtered its way through the branches gleaming in the young boys' eyes. 

They drifted through the isles in target not needing much as they had unlimited access to the universities cafeteria. The students made sure to grab several boxes of popcorn and energy drinks for yearbook fuel.  
It was at the mall where Daniel drifted from the crowd. Phil stuck to a girl named Olivia side afraid to lose himself in an unfamiliar place. Dan bought some food from the food court before walking to the book store where he would hide away for the rest of the evening. It was a tradition he had been doing since freshman year. It was tiring to be around his classmates for hours. This was the only escape he would find from them for the entire trip so he took it. 

Sitting amongst the shelves of books is where Phil found Daniel. There was only so many things Phil could talk to Olivia about before the conversation tanked so he parted ways with here as they were passing by the book store feeling comfortable having walked a lap of the mall already. 

"Hiding I see." Phil said sitting in front of Dan. 

"Not well apparently." Dan retorted, pitting the book in his hands back on the shelf. If it was any of the other staff members sitting across from him he would be annoyed they had bothered him but with Phil the company was easy.  
"Wait," Phil said stopping Dans motion. "Can I see that book?" He asked. Pulling the book back out slowly from the shelve Daniel leaned forward to pass the book to Phil. It was as fleeting as a second as their hands brushed past each other barely consisting of a touch but that was all it would take. Their breath halted Phil's eyes shot up to look at Dan. Dan kept his head down staring at the short string tying him to the boy sitting across from him. 

"No." Daniel said. That was all he said before he got up and ran for the exit. For years he thought he would never find his person. He like Phil and would even call him a friend. But now the spot light would be on him. For two weeks at camp all his friends would notice and at home his family. He looked down at his hand as he was racing across the food court to where Mrs. Lennon was sitting reading her book. From his pinky was a thin thread floating in the air. It only appeared to be a foot long to the visual eye but he knew if Phil was standing next to him right now the string could be connected to the identical one on his pinky.

Phil sat there on the floor staring at the spot where Daniel had been sitting for ten minutes when his phone buzzed in his pocket. It was Olivia, the rest of the group were ready to go and waiting for him. He wanted to hide forever but knew he would have to face Daniel and once they were in a car together everyone would be able to see their fates linked.

Phil walked slowly towards the group his hands shoved in his pockets. All color lost from his face and shadowed eyes he saw Daniel standing at the back of the group hands in his pockets and headphones in his ears. The two boys kept a distance from each other walking at the back of the pack they headed for the bus. 

In the bus Monica, a staff member was the first to notice. Pointing it out to the group Daniel sighed leaning his head against the window ignoring the stares coming from the girls around him. Phil looked lost as he dodged questions, Mrs. Lennon stayed quiet from the front seat. 

By the time they reached campus again the girls had grown tired of asking questions and getting no answers. They walked back to their respective dorm rooms some of the girl going to another's to watch Netflix. Mrs. Lennon said a congratulations to the two boys as she passed by retiring to her room. Dan still has his earbuds in. 

All Phil wanted to do was talk to Dan and figure out what was going to happen. Dan didn't let him though kicking his shoes off and climbing onto his bed. It was by no means late so Phil stayed up and read a book from his summer reading. 

The next morning was officially the first day of camp. Dan was up and gone before Phil. Daniel had more classes to attend than the other staff members as an editor. Allison was announced as the other editor the night before. The two heading to workshops all morning before meeting with the rest of the staff for lunch. Daniel didn't mind Allison. They had worked together the previous school year but their personalities just didn't quite mesh. Not like his and Phil's did Daniel thought. 

They met in the cafeteria where several other schools were. Daniel recognizes some kids from the previous years but mostly it was unfamiliar faces in the sea of tables. In the corner of the room was Phil sat with the rest of the staff, Monica, Olivia, Leah, Abigail, and Rosie were taking up two tables with food and laptops scattered around them. Dan and Allison joined them with their food. To Daniels surprise the conversation stayed on topic of yearbook. 

They had come to camp as a group with no idea what the theme for the book would be. Daniel and Allison spent the morning bouncing ideas off each other with no luck. There were no workshops scheduled for the afternoon so the group heading back to their workroom as a team. 

Hours past as phrases and quotes filled the white board in the room. Ideas for themes coming from every student but none of them quite sticking. Phil has yet to say his idea out of fear it would be stupid. One of the girl got up to make another bag of popcorn when he decided to speak up. 

"What about 'Define Us'?" Phil asked leaning back in his chair. "We could answer the question with what makes this year special." Phil suggested. The movement in the room stopped and the microwave beeped. No one moved to pull the bag out. Daniel was the first to move. He wrote on the board- "define us" underneath all the other themes. 

"Should we take a vote." Allison asked. "All in favor of Define Us?" A chorus of I's sounded through out the room. Daniel remained silent. Allison turned to Daniel with a raised eyebrow. 

"I" said Daniel. It was perfect, already Phil was the answer to all of Daniels problems.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this hasn't been proofread oops. leave a comment or something. thanks for reading  
> -Nicole


	3. Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just friends never really works out for anyone does it?

Phil was woken up in the middle of the night by Daniel shaking his shoulder roughly. He sat up startled, Daniel hasn't spoken a word directly to him since the book store and here he was hovering over him in the middle of the night. In his hand were dry erase markers. 

"I need your help, I tried to get Allison to help but she wouldn't answer her phone. Editors decorate the doors of the other staff members. It's tradition c'mon." Dan said pulling on Phil's arm. Meanwhile Phil was getting whiplash from Daniel who went from not speaking to hauling the other boy out of bed past curfew.

Phil grabbed his glasses putting them on before following Dan out into the hallway. Daniel gave Phil a sticky note with what to write on the white boards hanging on the doors. On Allison and Abigails door Daniel wrote "editor in chief and very important photographer" with doodles surrounding the girls names. Phil was occupied with Leah and Olivia's door wanting it to be perfect while Dan moved on to do Monica and Rosa's door. The two headed down the hall to where Mrs. Lennon's room was. Together they wrote "momma Len" a nickname students had given Mrs. Lennon years ago and "worlds best YB instructor." Careful not to wake anyone up they headed back to their dorm room. With the task at hand done an and Phil completely awake now an awkwardness settled between them. Phil looked down to see the red string swaying between their hands. He was fascinated watching the way the string moved. 

"What are we going to do?" Phil asked Daniel the empty space between them seemed to be growing even though the were confined to their small room. 

"We're going to make a book." Daniel said laying down on his bed the little red string drifting through the air. "And nothing else." Daniel finished rolling to face the wall. Daniel couldn't bear to see how his words were affecting Phil. 

They had only know each other for two months and Daniel couldn't understand how a boy he had just met was so intertwined into Daniels thoughts. 

Daniel was gone again by the time Phil woke up and that continued to be the trend for the rest of that first week. Daniel had more classes to attend and more responsibilities than Phil did at camp but mostly he couldn't bear to look Phil in the eye. They still met up for lunch with the rest of the group and after dinner in their workroom where the staff built layouts and graphics for the books confined to a place where Phil could see the string attached between them. Their relationship seemed to move backwards since they brushed hands in that bookstore. Before then they were friends or at least Phil thought they were. They only ever hung out for school but it was better than nothing. Now they don't even act like acquaintances would. 

The sun was beating down on Friday, concluding the first week of camp. The students would have the weekend to work on their own with no workshops to attend. The camp celebrated with a game of volleyball over a picnic lunch and a hypnotist show in the evening. Phil hoped he would have time to talk to Daniel. He couldn't afford to lose his only friend so early in knowing each other. 

Dan was playing volley ball with some kids from other schools. More kids were taking photos than actually playing but that's what you would expect when you put a bunch of photography kids in the same place. Phil was one of those kids. Sat under a tree hiding from the heat of the day he sat taking pictures of mostly Dan but also Olivia as they played. His hair curly and sticking to his forehead from sweat. The way the sun hit dans face as he cheered lit up his usually dark eyes, a point was just scored for his team. Admittedly Dan wasn't doing much for the team his lack of coordination showing his smile made him look like team captain. 

The hypnotist show happened after dinner. Every camper gathered in the performance hall. Anticipation was flowing through the campers as they eagerly talked about what was going to happen. 

It was a forced participation event and their group was sat in the front row. Phil sat between Olivia and Allison shaking with nerves, his camera laying in his lap. Dan was nervous too. He had seen the hypnotist act the summer before and was certain he didn't want to participate. Rosa was chosen from the audience along with some 20 other campers. 

The previous nerves left Phil as he watched his classmate waddle across the stage like a duck completely under a spell. He took photos in rapid succession and even turned away from the stage for a moment to capture the faces of his other classmate who were loosing their minds in laughter. 

The show continued on with different skits with an audience member coming under the spell as well. It was the best thing Phil had ever seen but he spent a portion of the night sneaking glances over at Dan to watch him enthralled with the show and smiling through every second of its magic. 

The clouds hovering over the horizon were starting to make their way in towards campus threatening to rain out their weekend. It was mid Saturday when the skies opened up efficiently trapping the students in their dorm building, except for the brave few who made the trek across campus to get food. The students stayed in their workroom where they debated which fonts to use in the book. It was a battle of aesthetics, Daniel and Allison were squaring up. Sat around the table and some on the floor were the other staff members amused at the tension. Mrs. Lennon has left 20 minutes into the discussion not having the patience to deal with such ridiculous squabble. 

On the board now was different font styles and a frowning face Daniel had drawn at some point in trying to find the perfect font. Leah and Olivia were first to go back to their dorm, followed by Monica who went to take a nap after falling asleep on the workroom floor. It was nearing dinner when Allison stormed out exasperated after Daniel wrote comic sans on the board and circled it. Only Phil laughed at the obvious joke. Abigail and Rosa followed Allison out. 

It took Phil a moment to realize they were alone now. Together but alone. This is what Phil had wanted. Daniel was too awkward to walk past Phil to leave the room so there they sat swaying on office chairs sat opposite sides of the white board. Phil who was so tired of dealing with this almost half rejection from the one person who was always supposed to be on his side, took a shallow and wavering breath before he asked. 

"What about me is not good enough for you?" His voice breaking somewhere between good and enough. Daniels face remained blank emotionless. Phil shuffled through what seemed like every emotion in rapid succession. First sadness. 

He was devastated that the beautiful boy sitting in front of him said no. All he said was no. That two letter word chipped away just a bit of his heart. His blank stare with no hint of sympathy or anything saddened him further. 

He had felt happiness too because like his parents and his older brother he had found his person. His other half. And he was falling hard. Now in this moment he felt just anger. Frustration. What was so bad about Phil that Dan couldn't form the words to answer him. The air thick as electricity crackled and lightning flashed. Lighting up the fire that Phil felt, his eyes shined. The storm changed from a steady downpour to the thrashing water of a thunder storm as Phil stared at Daniel with narrowed eyes. 

Frustration. 

That was a feeling Phil never enjoyed. Since he was a small child he cried when he got angry. And now hot tears threatened to spill at the blink of an eye. He felt like a child in that moment. The two boy met eyes, looking at each other with such, Opia. Intensity. That was another feeling in this moment. Every breath he took every time his eyelashes fluttered, everything felt intense. As it does when you're only 16 and loving someone for the first time. 

It was when he noticed the tears and the pain flashing behind his blue eyes that Daniel felt the guilt. Overwhelming and breath stealing guilt for he was afraid for the first time he could ever lose this boy. Guilt because Daniel was unsure how to love himself but was so sure Phil could be a person he loved. 

"You are enough Phil. You are so good enough Phil. So please god don't believe for a second that you're not." Daniel sputters out. "I just, I don't know how to do this okay? And it's not like I can ask my parents. I want to be friends with you. I do feel like we are friends so can we just work on that please. Just a thing at a time. Time moves so fast so can we just be slow for a moment?" Daniel asked. "Tell me it's okay. Please." His brain and his mouthy not quite connecting. Daniels words came out rapid and not making much sense. 

"Friends," Phil swallows. The pause between words seems like eternity and it leaves Daniel jumpy in his seat. "I think that would work as long as you stop avoiding me like the plague." Phil reasons his jaw clenched afraid to feel hopeful in fear that Dan would change his mind. 

They leave the work room after a minute of silence the storm outside raging on made it seem so much later than it really was. Heading to their room they walk side by side and for a moment the back of their hands brush. Neither of them flinch away but instead keep pace down the corridors towards their shared room. 

Phil is feeling homesick that evening, Dan is not. He empathizes with Phil though after his call to his brother in Georgia ended.

"There's part of me that wishes I was still in Augusta with my brother and still in my childhood home but then there's the piece of me that is so happy we moved. And I know that I would have missed out on so much if I didn't move here but I still miss home y'know." Phil rambled unprompted looking towards Dan who was sat at his desk typing on the computer. 

Turning his chair to face Phil, "We wouldn't of met if you hadn't moved." Daniel points out the obvious thing the other was too afraid to say. Phil nodded along. 

"I'm sure your brother your misses too. It must be a big adjustment." Dan continued. 

"Do you miss your brother?" Phil asked. "I know we've only been gone for a week and you've gone to camp before but still." Phil continued curious and hoping he wasn't alone in his feelings 

Daniel shook his head. His relationship with his brother was strained to say the least. Maybe it was the weather or the fact that Dan felt he could say anything to Phil after being in this space with him and it would be fine. 

"I don't really like my brother." Dan leads. "Not like in the way that he annoys me but my parents had me when they were still in high school. They weren't ready to become parents and so when they had my baby brother the actually wanted kids. I don't know I can tell the way the act towards him and me are different and I sort of resent him for that even though I know it's not his fault." Daniel monologues. Phil looks surprised at his words. 

"I love my brother but there's a piece of me that knows I shouldn't exist and he should." Dan finishes the last part quietly. Dans reason for existing should be evident enough in the way Phil looks at him but he can't see that behind the look in Phil's eyes. 

"We inherit our parents troubles," Phil says breaking off at a half sentence not caring to explain what he meant by that. Dan seems to agree though because all he does is nod. The lights flicker twice before shutting off completely and with Phil's finishing words the boys are left sitting in the dark. 

From across the hall the Phil and Dan could hear a girl shrieking. It made Dan laugh of course the lights going out would startle Monica. Phil chuckles too and then they find themselves both sitting in a dark room wrapped in laughter. When it eventually dies down it isn't awkward it's just quiet and peaceful between them. Sitting in the dark room with secrets shared between them they feel safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter has been edited. hope you enjoyed this caffeine induced chapter. leave a comment or something. thanks for reading.  
> \- nicole


	4. Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Talks in the middle of the night let the boys get to know each other in the safety of the dark.

It was earlier than desired for Phil to be awake. His phone had gone off with several texts coming through at once. Across the room Daniel groaned at the disturbance. Mrs. Lennon had sent a message to the yearbook group chats declaring she was sick and would remain in her room for the day if anyone needed her. She also left Dan in charge. It wasn't her initial message that woke both boys up but the handful of responses from the girls that followed. 

Phil decided to turn his alarm off, sliding out of bed in search of something to drink. He found an old water bottle sitting on the mini fridge. It was hot and slightly crushed and did nothing to satisfy him. Unsure of whether he should of drank that he called out to Dan instead of dwelling on it. 

"Hey, wanna head down to breakfast?" It was not a question Phil would of asked Dan last week. Last week he wouldn't even of gotten the chance to. This week it felt wrong not to. 

Daniel rolled over in his bed to face Phil. The morning light shining through onto his face, lighting up the new freckles scattered on his cheeks from being in the sun all day Friday. His hair a mess on his pillowcase and sheets thrown haphazardly across his body. Phil could see the tops of his toes poking out from beneath the covers. It was a breathtaking sight to Phil. 

The sounds of a college campus waking up in the morning was music to Phil's ears. Birds in the trees were calling to each other. A maintenance man worked along the path from the dorms to the cafeteria. Professors walking with cups of coffee and students heading to their summer classes still in pajamas. It was a world he couldn't wait to be a part of. 

The boys took their time walking that morning. Daniel was usually rushing to eat and get to his lectures but Phil reminded him to slow down time and let things simply exist. The sun shown through the leaves on the trees and the sky was a never ending sea of blue. The same shade of blue as Phil's eyes. It caught Daniel off guard. His eyes matching the way the sky and the trees looked together at this point in time during their walk to breakfast.

Daniel sat at the table with a bowl of cold cereal and waited for Phil to return from the line of campers who were getting omelettes for breakfast. He was done with his cereal and on his second cup of coffee by the time Phil returned. He drank this cup slowly as Phil complained about the food claiming the food in Georgia was better. Dan didn't doubt him and smiled into his cup of coffee. 

They talked pointless things that early morning. Daniel watched people come and go through the dining area and Phil watched him noticing how even though his cup was empty Daniel kept picking it up only to set it back down. It was loud as campers ate and worked with each other. 

The conversation steered to music as it often did with them. With their phones out they compared songs. 

"I can't believe you don't have your songs in a playlist. That would drive me crazy. Here, I'm going to make you a playlist." Daniel laughed seeing the thousands of songs on Phil's Spotify account. Phil made one for Dan too. 

They went separate ways after breakfast. Dan listened to Phil's playlist during workshops mesmerized by every lyric. The book was coming along even if it was just a skeleton at this point. Him and Allison had even agreed on a font before lunch. 

It was after lunch when the takeover occurred. According to Olivia and Rosa the afternoon workshops weren't of any use to the group and they should ditch to go to the plaza across the street. Daniel who was afraid they had too much work to do agreed when he looked to Phil, reminding himself that time could slow down for a moment. Dan was in charge after all. 

They walked off campus together and across the street to the outdoor mall. Daniel had gone here last year during camp as well but that was with the supervision of his teacher. The shops were mostly empty on the Monday afternoon but they walked in everyone of them. Dan was particularly excited to show Phil a used music store at the end of the street that was completely underground. 

They walked slowly down the center of the mall Dan chewed on the chain of his necklace the pendent of a saint pressed between his lips. Between them the string floated. 

A group of eight teenagers got some looks from passerby's but the string tying the two teenage boys together got even worse looks. It made Dans nerves even worse. It was the evil glare from a middle aged man that looked far too much like Daniels father that triggered it. The panic that is. It was an instant and Dan separates himself from the group heading towards the music store he had so badly wanted to share with Phil. Now he only wanted to escape. 

Phil trailed behind Dan conceded at the sudden change in him. Dan was aware he was being followed by Phil as they walked through the threshold of the shop and into the stacks of cds and vinyls. Dan walked as far as he could into the store reaching the back wall he sat on the floor. Phil noticed how they always seemed to find themselves sitting on the floor in stores. 

"Dan, what's wrong?" Phil asked with a look of concern. Dan stayed quiet in his thoughts. Thinking over and over again that they should of gone to their workshops, that they shouldn't of left campus. He was starting to shake, his eyes closed. 

"Can you just hold my hand, please?" Dan asked with a desperation to his words. 

In the corner of an underground music store Phil sat holding Dans hand until he calmed enough to tell Phil. 

“I saw a man who looked a lot like my dad. Like too much and he gave us a dirty look and I don't know. I guess it just freaked me out." Daniel whispered to Phil. They sat for a while after Dan had said that looking up at the shelves of music that Dan would never be able to listen to. 

Determined to not let the afternoon be dictated by what happened in the music shop Dan rose and hauled Phil up after him. The wondered through the store for a bit before heading to the fountains where the rest of the staff were meeting them. 

The summer heat evaporated the water coming up from the fountains where children played. Well not only children Rosa and Leah were cooling off in the water. Phil ran ahead to join them leaving his camera and phone on a bench next to Olivia. It brought a smile to Daniels face. 

Daniel brought his camera up to face taking photos of his friend running through the fountains as the sunlight faded. The photos were beautiful freezing a perfect moment out of a troublesome evening.

They continued up and down the strip of shops for a while longer letting the sun dry their dripping clothes. Dan showed no evidence of his moment in the music store nor did he offer an explanation to the girls when they asked. Instead smiling he suggested getting fries from this place up a bit and watching the street performers that were starting to line the streets. 

They followed his lead joking around with each other and taking an absurd amount of pictures on the phones, on their cameras documenting every moment every second of laughter as if they were afraid it would be the last. 

A man balanced on a stack of chairs unbelievably high in the air was the first performer to catch their attention. There were some magicians as the walked with small crowds as well. Maybe it was being so far from home or maybe it was the lack of adults around to watch the kids but every moment stood there witnessing this stranger balancing in the sky was incredible act of defiance to the group of teenagers stood there watching. 

They returned to campus just in time to get dinner before going back to their respective rooms tired from the sun and the events of the day. Their bodies felt heavy as they climbed themselves into bed. 

"Dan?" Phil asked unsure if he was still awake. 

"Yeah?" He asked back. 

"Why did that man bother you so much?"

"He reminded me of my dad." Dan repeated. 

It was something about the look in his eyes or the way he was stood that brought Dan back to his childhood. His father always angry at something and doing everything out of spite. It created a poor environment for a child to be raised in. It left Daniel tiptoeing around him nervous he would do something or say something to anger his father. 

"Why is that such a bad thing?" Phil spoke. 

"My dad is catholic and I guess I am too. I haven't spoken to him since my parents split so I guess it just scared me that he could see the string. That he could see you are a boy." 

"Is there something wrong with me being a boy?" 

"It's a sin."

Those words hung in the air. It was like Phil read another chapter of the book about Dan. Understanding a small piece of him just a bit more.

They attended all of their workshops for the remainder of the week. Daniels feeling of guilt remained as he sat through each boring lecture. His mind kept drifting back to what his father would think. 

In their dorm room alone together Dan felt like he was back at home with his father. He hovered quietly and jumped at any noise Phil made. Holding his breath anytime he did something. The concern Phil had was growing through that second week. The nightmares Daniel was having were growing in occurrence too. 

Phil had been awake already reading on his phone when Daniel sat upright choking on air. Looking at the boy jittery from the dream Phil wasn't sure what to do. 

"Dan are you okay?" He asked already knowing the answer. Dan shook his head. 

"It was nothing. It's not a big deal." Dan said falling back onto his pillow. It was better for him to act as if he didn't care. Phil stayed sat up looking at him not believing a word he just said. Dan didn't fall back asleep instead just laid there staring at a ceiling until his alarm went off

The end of the second week of camp was approaching and everyone was getting antsy having spent nearly 14 days with each other nonstop stuck inside at lectures. Even Phil and Dan we're getting tired of being around each other. They worked on the book each day and cried together when the laptop holding all of their spreads crashed losing the weeks worth of work. 

Dan brought them back from that after a brief moment of annoyance that nobody thought to back up the files he assured everyone that it was fine. Their book didn't have to be finished by the end of the week and that they had an entire school year to work on it. His words seemed to work in calming his distressed friends. At this point he did consider the kids in this room his friends after spending two weeks with the same people and with a common goal it was hard not to get to know each other, to not root for their success. 

Daniel was 16 when he looked around for the first time and felt truly connected with the people he was with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this has been proofread but i did it at 2am so it shouldn’t count. leave a comment or something. thanks for reading.  
> -nic


	5. Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s the last week of camp so what else can you do beside get drunk on Smirnoff ice and share secret feelings
> 
> Trigger warning for alcohol consumption.

They were going to be late for their workshop. Dan was rushing around the dorm room. The communal showers were packed that morning making getting ready take even longer. Phil was still sitting in his desk chair. A book in hand. Oblivious to the panicking Dan, Phil kept reading. 

"We have to go now Phil. C'mon!" Daniel said for probably the 12th time that morning. Phil finally looked up from his book. 

The story had sucked him into a whole other world leaving him unaware of the one he was currently sat in. 

"Leaving now. Let's go." Dan said trying to find his other sock. Their room looked like a hurricane came through. 

"Sorry didn't mean to be late." Phil said reluctantly setting the book down not knowing how he was going to focus when he couldn't finish his chapter. 

It was the final week of camp and they only had a single lecture per day. Spending most of their time in their work rooms or the university lawn working on their book.

They met after their workshop in the grass outside the dorm room. The sun was bright but the ground cooled the students sitting in the shade of a large tree. 

They worked in the grass for a while. The staff went through what work the editors had done fixing anything they had missed. It was a slow third week. Letting the students rest and work without deadlines brought the joy of being at summer camp back. 

They sat in the grass for hours having worked through lunch the students were starving by dinner time. They ate together in the dining hall but didn't really converse with each other too focused in their own little worlds. One by one they went back to their dorms having nothing else to do for the evening. 

No one would blame the teenage boys for what they were doing. It was almost expected that the students would sneak some form of alcohol into camp. They were sat on Daniels bed drinking Smirnoff ice. The cheap alcohol let words flow smoother between them. 

"My parents met in college you know. Sat beside each other in a class. It was all over for them then," Phil spoke. 

"But it's not just my parents, my older brother he's my best friend. I look up to him so when he moved out that changed everything. It was like I was an only child. I had to step up and take care of my mom." Phil explained it like it was simple. The story of his life simple. 

Except it wasn't simple and the tears burning at his eyes showed that. 

"She had this her entire life Dan. She was diagnosed when she was eight. I can't stand the sound of sirens y'know because it's my brain that's associated them with her getting sick and having to call 911." He pauses when the tears start flowing to wipe his face. 

He breathes slowly for a few minutes taking in the smell of the boy sat next to him. Focusing on the feeling of their legs pressed against each other. How Dans shoulder hits the middle of Phil's upper arm. Dan just looks at him waiting for him to continue. 

"The first time I dialed 911 I was four years old and she had a seizure in the kitchen while my dad was at the store. A four year old shouldn't have to do that!" He said exasperated. The guilt followed. 

"I shouldn't of said that," Phil started. "I love my mom so much I would do anything to protect her. I just wish sometimes that I didn't have to." Phil finishes quietly as if he was afraid the walls were judging him for being a bad son. 

"You're allowed to feel this Phil. It may be out of your control and out of your moms but that doesn't mean you have to be okay with it. Illness is a terrible thing and having to take care of your mom when she gets sick goes against the general thing of a parent taking care of their child." Dan says trying to soothe the boy but mostly validate his feelings. Dan knows he loves his mom and that he is not a bad son for thinking these things and Phil understands.

Phil doesn't say anything just scoots his back farther down the wall so he can rest his head on Daniels shoulder. Phil doesn't know if this is something friends do but in the moment everything felt right. Telling Dan his secrets and being this close made the world less scary to Phil. 

The finished drinking their secrets and fell asleep next to each other on a single sized bed. 

Dan was awake before Phil. His head was pounding and the sun was yet to rise. The room was dark and cluttered with their possessions. Sat by the window on the chair he pulled from Phil's desk Daniel was waiting for the sun to rise. It slowly crept up the horizon shining through the buildings and over the tops of the trees. 

Turning to look at a sleeping Phil still laying in Daniels bed he said, "The sun says hello."

Dan sat there at the window till Phil woke up nearing noon the window sill graffitied with initials carved from past owners of this dorm room. They had both completely missed breakfast that morning and instead headed to lunch together. 

Allison was sat with the rest of the staff looking angry as the boys approached with their food. 

"Well looks who's decided to show up. You could of at least texted us saying you were going to ditch this morning!" Allison shrilled before they could even sit down. 

In their hungover state Dan had forgotten about their commitments. 

Still reeling with a headache Phil spoke a quick apology before digging into his food. Dan sitting next to Phil felt angry. Why couldn't Dan have a morning off from his editor role. Angry that Allison even brought it up. He didn't want to be angry but it was the environment in which he was raised that made those his first thoughts. 

Mrs. Lennon showed up at their lunch table as well. She had been busy that week with other instructors. She even taught a few of the workshops. Tomorrow was their last day at camp so tonight she was taking them to the campus bowling alley. The girls chatted excitedly about it. Phil sat in his thoughts thinking about the things he told Dan the night before. His mind telling him he shouldn't of even though he knew he could trust Dan. 

The skipped dinner at the dining hall that night opting for pizza at the bowling alley. They all grabbed for slices from the shared pizzas while Mrs. Lennon paid for their bowling game. 

Dan said a quick prayer to himself before he began to eat. Something he had been doing the entire trip but to Phil's surprise this was the first time he noticed it. Wether it be a small moment of thanks or conditioning from his religious upbringing Dan did it at every meal. It was an endearing trait to Phil who was raised with a lack of religion or belief system. 

To no ones surprise Dan and Phil were coming in last place, 8th and 9th place respectively out of the group. Phil was up next to bowl, landing it in the gutter each time. Dan gloated to Phil about beating him even if he was loosing to everyone else. Rosa won the game. It wasn't really about winning or losing though. It was about the photos. 

Faces of complete defeat as people missed the pins or the cheering victories they made when they turned to face the group after a strike. That's what they focused on rather than playing to their ability. That and the pizza. Snapchat stories documented their entire night. From the weird nicknames Olivia put in the system to the greasy slices of pizza they ate and Mrs Lennon, arthritis and all bowling with a bunch a teenagers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a short chapter and i sort of proofread it. this was the hardest chapter for me to write because i started planning the last chapter while writing this. thanks for reading.  
> -nicole


	6. Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Daniels parents in this story are fictional and are in no way related to the action of his real parents.

Going home was always harder for Daniel. For three weeks he got to escape from his life at home and now a seven hour car ride was going to drag him back to reality. 

Going into his senior year meant one thing. This was the last time Dan would ever get to go to camp. It was a part of him he was going to miss and it was the last three summers of his life coming to an end. It's was a lot for him to deal with. His parents split up and high school ending one right after the other. 

He packed his things slowly and made sure to double check every corner of his room. Reluctant to leave Dan walked slowly behind Phil who was excited to get home and see his parents. 

There was some excitement for Daniel as well. The camp was a success and he would be getting home in time for Las Fiestas de San Lorenzo. A celebration his church held every year. To Dan it was the only good thing to come out of going to church.

The car ride back seemed to go on forever. The sky outside clouded with smoke from a fire. No one talked with each other. There seemed to be nothing left to say after the weeks together. Phil sent Daniel texts when he happened to get service driving through the mountains. Daniel was listening to the playlist Phil had made for him. The songs were so telling of who Phil was. 

A text came through as they were driving past a small town from Phil. He proposed a game of I-Spy. Dan spent the next few minutes texting guesses back to Phil. Losing the game when they both lost signal. 

They continued the game for the next few hours between short naps and reading pages of books. The rest of the van slept as they messaged each other. 

Stopping in a no name town for lunch brought some energy back to the group. They talked nonsense to each other but mostly spent time scrolling through their phones and taking up space in a small fast food restaurant. Dan shared his french fries with Phil after his order fell to the floor.

"Is that Daniel Howell sharing his food willingly. In all my years I've never seen such a thing." Monica said jokingly from the other side of the booth. 

"I guess I'm just more special than you." Phil said joking back to her. 

Shaking his head Daniel chimes in, "Jokes on all of you cause I just don't like their fries." This caught the attention of the entire group who gave him looks of shock. 

"What waffle fries are terrible and dry." He said daringly waiting for them to disagree. 

"Nope no longer friends Danny boy." Phil said scooting away from him in the booth taking the order of fries with him. Dan smiled his eyes crinkle as he watches Phil slide away. Dan couldn't even pretend to be offended at what Phil said. 

"I'm just saying in terms of fries, waffle fries are at the bottom of the list in ways of goodness." Dan explained earning several chuckles of agreement. 

Their conversations flowed off following Dans statement separating into several smaller discussions. Phil moved back next to Dan their legs brushing up against each other underneath the table.

"Are you excited to get back to school now that the books ready?" Daniel asked Phil. 

"Sort of. I wanna see how it turns out but I don't know. I'm thinking about joining some clubs senior year." Phil said hoping to draw the conversation out. Daniel waited to see if Phil would say what clubs. The look Dan was giving him was enough for Phil to keep talking. 

"I've heard that the poetry club is pretty cool and they have lots of pizza parties." Phil said a smirk ghosting his lips. Dan smiles at that too. 

"I don't know Phil. I heard the president of the club is stepping down so the pizza might decrease a bit." Daniel said trying to keep the joking air between them. It didn't work as Phil looked at him with concern in his eyes

"You're stepping down?" Phil asked voice quiet. Dan nodded the mood from before disintegrating between them.

They stayed silent for the rest of their meal focusing on their food and their own thoughts. 

Back in the car flying down the freeway as everyone slept, the two boys were sat next to each other now talking in hushed tones. 

"You mentioned something going on at your church," Phil begins. "What was it again?" 

"It's the Matachines. It's a celebratory dance and parade the church has been doing for hundreds of years." Dan explains. 

"What are they celebrating?" Phil wonders not quite understanding the significance. 

"It's the towns way of saying thank you to Saint Lawrence for keeping them safe. We have it every year in August and people from all over come to watch it." Dan says a light in his eyes. 

"Maybe I'll have to come watch it." Phil suggests. 

"I'd love that." 

Dan had his earbuds in and was listening to Phil's playlist again. He had finished it twice already but he played it again. Phil was sleeping next to him a book still open in the boys lap. There wasn't much to do besides listen to music and look out the window on the long ride home. 

They slept for the remainder of the drive home. Arriving back at the high school early in the afternoon. Parting ways into their parents arms.

His mom hadn't noticed when he got in the car, the red string hanging from his hand. In fact Dan wasn't sure she noticed the road or the fact that Dan was next to her. It was a blur when he got home. His mother pulling into their driveway. 

He followed behind her, inside the house was Daniels younger brother, sat on the couch eating cereal for dinner. He was the first to notice. Calling him out on it. 

"You have a soul mate! Since when?" The younger boy shouted at his brother. Dan dropped his bag as his mother spun to look at him. Well not him, his hand. 

Dan wished he was still at camp away from the questioning eyes of his family who were looking at him like vultures. His back was against the wall as questions from his mother and his brother were being shot at him. The biggest question. Who. 

Dan avoided every question grabbing his bag and walking just past his mothers reach to the stairs. His younger brother called out from the living room once more while Daniel was racing up the stairs.

He was sitting on his bed with the door shut when his mother opened the door partially. She paused before telling him that he was no longer going to be living with her. Daniel would be living with his father by the end of the weekend explaining that she couldn't afford to support both him and his brother full time. Daniel didn't respond to being kicked out of his childhood home instead stayed behind his closed door wondering what he did wrong. 

He didn't leave his room till after he was sure the house was asleep. He had received a text from Phil a few hours ago wishing him a goodnight. Padding downstairs to get food from the kitchen he sent a response to Phil. He also sent his dad a text letting him know he was home safe. He didn't get a response.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading. once again the parents in this story in no way represent Dans real life parents. they are works of fiction created by me.  
> 🖤 nicole


	7. Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Daniels parents in this story are fictional and are in no way related to the action of his real parents.  
> trigger warning implied abuse and alcohol consumption

Sitting in the car outside of his dads apartment Dan felt glued to his seat. He hadn't seen let alone spoken to his father since the divorce. Apparently his mom had. There Dan sat with not a quarter of his belongings in his moms backseat. 

His mother was stood at the front door talking to him. He looked angry she seemed tired. Daniel couldn't hear the yelling but by the way his father was acting he could tell. 

When his mother turned to walk back to her car Dan stepped out. Pulling his bag of clothes from the backseat. Slamming the car door shut he headed up the path of broken concrete to the apartment he would be living in. 

His dad reached for an awkward hug as Daniel was walking by. It was more him grabbing the boy than a fathers hug. Dan just shook it off heading inside to the one bedroom apartment. It was a disaster. That was an understatement. Daniel would be sleeping on the couch in the living room. 

"What the hell is that on your finger boy?" His father asked never calling Daniel by the name they shared. He grabbed Daniels hand yanking it up to eye level the red string floating in the air with the movement. 

"It's my soulmate." Dan said finally acknowledging it. 

"Who is unfortunate enough to have you as a soulmate?" His father questioned him. 

"Just a kid from school." Daniel said taking his hand back as an attempt to end the conversation. 

"Yeah and what's this kids name," His father laughed. Dan didn't answer, he knew what was coming. "What's her name?" His Dad asked for the final time. Anger rose in his voice. 

"His name is Phil." Dan spoke quietly. 

Words that Daniel had only ever heard his dad call other people were suddenly and rapidly coming out of his mouth. This time they were aimed at Daniel and they were aimed to cut.

It was his first full day living with his father and bruises were starting to blossom on Daniels body. He looked like he played football with no padding on. 

On Sunday he went to practice for the Matachines. He found an escape in the church even though it reminded him of what could never be. It felt safer than in the one bedroom apartment with his father.

Daniel lost privileges fast with his father. Even when all Dan did was breathe it angered his father. His existence angered him. 

His phone was the most recent issue. Dan was texting Phil telling him he was living with his dad now. Phil was concerned. Especially after hearing the things Daniel said at camp about his father. 

His father took the phone from the young boys hands and read through every text. He read the ones from Monica and his brother and every single one between Daniel and Phil. 

Even after his dad was done searching through his phone he kept it. Slipping it into his pocket. It left Daniel with nothing to do during the day. There was no tv in the apartment and Dan had only brought a limited number of books with him to entertain himself for the remainder of the summer. 

Most days Daniel would walk across the street to the church he had been attending since he was baptized there as an infant. It was safe there and while it wasn't welcome to all it was all Daniel had left. A place that was a bridge between the here and the beyond in his eyes. 

His dad was almost never home. His job had him working four days a week, the remaining three he spent at the only bar open 24 hours in the town.

No one at the church questioned it when Dan showed up to service with a black eye. Instead they spoke behind his back whispering curiosities amongst themselves. Daniel sat through the service his younger brother next to him. The church was small, built when the town was first settled. Sun shined through the stained glass windows casting delicate shadows on the harsh people inside. 

Daniels brother confessed after church that he missed living with him. Dans smiles giving his favorite book to the younger boy. 

"Dan, are you sure?" His brother questioned, eyes wide. 

Dan nodded, "Yeah I want you to have it. Take care of it while I'm gone. Okay?" Daniel assured. 

The two boys parted ways after that. His brother went back to his moms house and Daniel back to his fathers. 

His dad was gone at work. Walking silently through the apartment afraid he would somehow get caught, Daniel went looking for his phone. He found it on the floor of his dads filthy bedroom. He waited for the cracked screen to charge ready to hide it if his dad got home. 

The phone lit up with 36 missed texts from Phil. All varying degrees of concern. He let Phil know that he got his phone taken away and that he was sorry he couldn't respond sooner. 

His father shoved his way through the front door, sober for the first time in days. Dad slid his phone underneath the couch before his dad could see making sure it was turned off first. 

"There you are." His father said as if he was lost. Dan just stood still watching the mans movements. 

"You're always gone when I'm home I never see you." Dan couldn't help but think his dad might actually miss him. 

"You're not hanging around that damn boy are you?" His father questions. Daniel was fast to shake his head no. 

"Good. Don't need that rubbing off on you. You're not to see him. You hear?" His father continued. All Dan could do was nod. 

His father didn't seem bothered by the lack of conversation on Daniels end retiring to his room with a bottle of beer from the fridge.

Dan stood there in the living room for ten minutes before decided his dad wasn't going to come back out. Even once he was sure his dad wasn't coming out he sat on the couch ignoring the cell phone underneath him for a while longer. 

Going back to his phone to more text messages from Phil. Dan sent a short one saying that they couldn't talk anymore. When Phil questioned it Dan tried his best to explain that his dad forbade it. Another text came through. 

"You're just going to let your dad tell you what to do after not talking to him for months?" Phil asked. 

Daniel was angry that Phil couldn't understand he had no choice. It was either do as he said or suffer the consequences. The anger Dan felt bubbling in his chest scared him. It was yet another sign of like father like son. Daniel wanted to be anything but his fathers son in that moment.

Phil was devastated when Dan stopped returning his calls and texts. Concerned for Dan he kept trying, memorizing Daniels phone number from seeing it so much. He felt the same pain from rejection that he felt when he and Daniel first linked together. 

The heartbreak was eating away at Phil. He sat on his bathroom floor his heart on his sleeve as he cried for his soulmate. Things were so easy for his parents, Phil couldn't grasp why things couldn't be easy for him and Dan. Just once. 

He felt like his chest was going to burst open with every sob. In his head though he couldn't understand why he felt this way. It's not like Phil had never been ignored before. This time was different though and Phil hated every moment of it. 

They had know each other for less than a year and Daniel already owned every piece of Phil's heart and knew how to break off a chip at a time. 

Phil felt like his heart was shattered. All he wanted to do was be next to Dan. To be able to talk about a new album that came out or to talk about school drama. To just be in the same room as him, to see he is alright. 

Phil didn't know how to do any of that. He didn't know where his new house was and wasn't one to show up to someone's house uninvited any way. Phil couldn't help the thoughts that crept into his mind that Dan didn't want him there. 

Dan had been living with his dad for over a week and had come to terms with his torso being blue. Some days he could laugh with his dad over a stupid joke. Other days he wished he was dead just so he didn't have to hear the drunken words thrown at him. He felt like he was on a carnival ride and wasn't strapped in. Instead being thrown and jolted around as his fathers moods changed. 

The worst part for Daniel was that no matter how hard he tried he couldn't bring himself to hate his father or his mother for leaving him there. They were just as lost in this world as he was and Dan couldn't find the strength to blame them. 

Between his father and his church Dan wasn't sure how much more he could take of being told he was a mistake. 

While most of the people he was surrounded with were accepting of who he loved there was still enough hatred hovering above him that left Daniel feeling utterly hopeless. It was after the first week of living with his father that Daniel cane to a decision. Once the Matachines were done for the year that Daniel would not be returning to church. 

It was a battle he had been having with himself since the end of his junior year. It had been such a big part of Daniel since he was born. From his baptism to his confirmation Dan grew up in the church. Deciding to leave something that had been to essential in Daniel becoming the person he is terrified him. 

Fulfilling his final promise to San Lorenzo would be the end of his time spent at the church.He spent the days waiting for it to be August ninth to be done with it all. After then he would be free from it. daniel felt unsure about it though and unsure how his father would react to Dan leaving the church. He was less than a holy man himself but it was his church first and Dan simply followed behind him. 

He missed Phil the most those days. Wishing he could talk to him about these thoughts that were constantly racing through his mind. Phil would reaffirm his feelings and let him know that everything would be ok. He couldn't though. More than anything, Dan wanted to call Phil but he couldn't. Dan refuses to drag Phil into the mess his dad had made. 

He would have to wait for school to start before he could explain to Phil why he could not answer his calls. For now he listened to the voicemails Phil left for him filled with concern and heartache as Phil begged for Daniel to answer the phone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading. i haven't proofread this yet but i still wanted to post it. there's some heavy religious themes in this chapter and the upcoming one so heads up.  
> -nic


	8. Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the religious celebration in this chapter is based on a real event that takes place in the mid-west. thanks for reading

The sun was beating down on the dancers who lined the street. Daniel was stood there alongside them waiting for practice to finish. August 9th was approaching fast and Daniel was getting excited for the festival. 

He always loved hearing the story of the dancers and how the group came to be as a child. The dances had been happening in his home town since 1693 when the Spanish settlers arrived. To honor Saint Lawrence the people of his town danced through the streets. Los Matachines were those dancers

Telling the story of Montezuma converting to Christianity. Beside Daniel stood la Malinche, or rather a young girl dressed up as one. In a white dress she represented Montezuma's daughter. Ahead of the dancing group was El toro, the bulls, and the Abuelos who protected the dancers from the men dressed as bulls. 

Dan marveled in the story every year. As a Danzantes he danced with the main group wearing an elaborate headdress and satin ribbons flowing down his back. Those were saved for the actual performance for now at practice he was dressed in all black as were the other dancers. 

They were waiting now for the other guitarist to arrive before they could continue with their practice. Once they arrived the violinist and guitarist began playing the music that would follow the dancers down the street and eventually to the church on the 9th. 

The sun began setting behind the rows of dancers as the practice came to a close. Dans hair was slick with sweat as the other danzantes parted ways some heading inside of the house of the Mayordomos, the family who houses the statue of the saint. 

Dan followed some of the dancers in. He didn't know the family hosting San Lorenzo this year but as part of being a host their doors were open to all 24/7. Most headed to the kitchen for water Dan parted with them then heading towards the alter set up for people to pray at. 

He sat there staring at the saint not bothering to pray or anything. He just wanted to look at it. Dan had been participating in the Matachines for years as well as his father and his fathers father. The tradition went back farther than Daniel could remember. He wished he could explain to Phil in that moment how hard it was for Dan to decide to leave this. 

He left the house after he had cooled down heading for his apartment on the far side of the train tracks. He hoped Phil would remember about the festival and that he would be able to see him.

August ninth, Las Visperas was the first day of the fiestas. It dragged on slowly as Daniel spent his time looking through the crowds of people for Phil. The day ended with disappointment as he never found who he was looking for 

The next day the Danzantes gathered at the house of the mayordormos. It was a long day as they danced outside the house of the saint. They were welcomed inside for supper before the first procession to the church. 

Daniel stood apart from the crowd searching for Phil. But before he could look for long the dancers assembled. The procession took them through the town dancing in the streets as people looked on. It was Daniels favorite part, the entire town shut down for them. Police blocked off the Main Street not a person in or out as they progressed towards the church. 

The clouds overhead were sheltering the dancers from the summer sun as they continued in two rows towards the ringing of the church bells that welcomed them. Daniel remained searching as he and the other dancers made their way through the crowds and into the church's parking lot. 

Next to the open tailgate of a truck serving water was the boy he was looking for. Phil smiled wide as the danzantes approached. 

Phil was blown away at the second day of the fiestas. The amount of people lining the streets with even more following behind the dancers. Phil didn't realize this many people lived in the small town. Heading toward him were two rows of dancers covered in black veils with elaborate headdresses on. 

Phil searched trying to see through the veils for his dancer. Satin ribbons flowed behind the moving bodies and on several dancers red thread flowed with them from their hands. 

People were hugging each other as the dancers returned to their waiting families. Dan heading straight for the black haired boy not bothering to remove his headpiece yet. 

"Phil." Was all Dan could day before being enveloped in a crushing hug. Not caring who could see the string linking the boys together as they stood hidden in a crowd of people holding each other in their arms. 

Dan removed his costume and brought Phil inside the church for mass. The sat in the back row in the corner as more and more people streamed into the small church. Every pew was full. People sitting on the ground and standing in the isle and outside of the church. 

The mass began to Phil's surprise every word was in Spanish. It had started raining at some point. Water leaking through the holes in the four hundred year old church. Voices echoing off the walls as people sung. Dan sat staring at Phil ignoring every part of mass. Phil stared back. 

"I missed you." Phil whispered into Daniels ear. 

"Me too." Dan said a sad smile showing on his face. 

Mass ended and there was an all night vigil to follow at the saints home. Dan dragged Phil to the backside of the church away from the eyes of his family and other church members. 

Before Phil could say anything Dan was hugging him again. Tears developing in his eyes. 

"I know you don't understand. I am so sorry I couldn't respond. It's just my dad and I don't want him to tear us apart." Dan spoke words slurring together as he tried to explain to Phil.

"It's ok. Hey we're friends. Your dad isn't going to change that. It's not like he can stop us seeing each other at school." Phil calmed Dan down. 

"We just have to survive the rest of this month." Phil continued to hold Dan in his arms their side pressed against each other.

The building didn't do much to shelter the two boys from the rain. Once they were sure everyone had left the church Daniel led them back inside. Off the main part of the church was a small room with towering bookshelves and a small couch. They sat there next to each other talking for hours. 

Phil told Dan excitedly about his school schedule for the next year. The only class they shared was yearbook this time around. Chatting about the dog his family had adopted last week Phil didn't notice how quite Dan had been. It took a while before he asked Dan.

"How's living with your dad?" It was a loaded question and Phil knew that. 

"It's not bad. We're still getting used to each other." Daniel shrugged it off. Phil knew he wasn't telling the whole truth but dropped the topic. 

Phil was looking his friend in the eyes. They were dark brown almost black. Nothing like the golden color from when they were at camp. Daniel had shadows under his eyes his skin tanned from practicing out in the sun. Dan was staring right back at Phil. No words flowed between them. They didn't need any to describe how they were feeling. 

Hidden away in the church far from Daniels dad and the prying eyes of church goers Phil leaned in toward Dan. Dan didn't object when Phil's lips brushed against his. It was hardly a touch when they pulled away a car from outside startling them to opposite sides of the couch. 

Phil terrified he had gone to far. They were clearly more than friends. He didn't worry for long as a grin broke across Daniel face. A small laugh escaping from his body as they both calmed down. 

"Why d'you look so scared Phil it was just a car." Dan continued to laugh. Phil just smiled shaking his head at the boy. 

The sun had set completely and the sky was dark and clouded over when they finally left from the church. They walked out separately. Dan headed home over the train tracks after refusing a ride from Phil.

It was a long few weeks following the fiesta. Daniel couldn't wait to start school to escape from his fathers apartment. Having since stopped going to church he crossed paths with his father more often. 

His father drank more than he would eat. The days when he wasn't intoxicated weren't bad. Daniel had quite a bit in common with his father. They shared their taste in music and had similar senses of humor. These commonalities scared Dan who wanted to be nothing like his father.


	9. Nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning: panic attack, alcohol and abuse.

The world as Daniel knew it was crumbling faster than he knew how to fix. Ever since his father left things seemed to happen like dominos one falling right after another with no control and no stop in sight. 

Things were fast and slow in the sense that Dan no longer had any sense of time yet the start of school was fast approaching. Every day it seemed like the apartment he felt trapped in was shrinking. 

Perhaps it was the isolation that had him feeling trapped. The only person Daniel ever saw was his father and often it was the backside of his hand that he saw. He was no longer seeing his brother and he hadn't seen his mom since she left him there. 

Not seeing Phil though was the worst. Worse than his fathers drunken words and the complete silence from his mother. Maybe it was the science, Dan thought, behind soulmates that made him feel the pain in his chest when he could be with him. Or maybe it was just him missing his first friend. 

Phil felt it too. Not the isolation or the feeling of being trapped. The pain though, he felt that. Dan hadn't responded to any texts or calls so Phil took to writing letters he knew he'd never send. Perhaps he would give them to Daniel once school started but for now it was the only way Phil could feel close to Dan. 

"The dog ate Dads tie this morning." Phil wrote. 

"And Martin called him and his girlfriend will be coming for thanksgiving. Maybe you could meet him then? I can't wait for school to start. I was looking into applying to go to college where we went to camp at. I loved the campus maybe I would get a dorm in our old building. We could even go there together. I'd go anywhere if I could go with you." 

Phil's hand stalled as he was writing the final words. Was it too clingy? Would it freak dan out? Thoughts ran through his brain rapidly filling his mind with doubt. They didn't have to go to school together. Maybe Dan didn't want to go to college at all. 

Sweat gathered in the palms of his hand slowly dripping down the back of his neck. The breath filling his lungs was shallow and short vision blurring. He couldn't feel his fingers and he was freezing. This wasn't the first time this had happened to Phil though. Over the summer the had occurred with more frequency. 

He breathed slowly trying to remind his brain that he wasn't in danger and that there wasn't a reason the panic. Dread washed over him realizing he would have to tell his mother he had another panic attack. 

On the other side of town Dan felt no better. Another confrontation with has father left him laying across the couch with tears dried on his face. A million thoughts circled through his mind. He was alone. Nothing seemed to go right. He was a mistake. He was a mistake. 

His vision came back into focus. Looking at his hand. The only with a little piece of thread hanging off of it was bruised. Freckles and scars covered his hand. Scars from playing outside and one from a surgery he had as a kid. Staring at his hand Dan felt no connection to it. He often found himself not recognizing his own body, his own face. 

The door to the apartment slammed shut waking Dan from his restless sleep. His father was gone and Dan was left alone once again. He couldn't find the energy in him to get up from the couch to even sit up. Daniel laid there watching the door waiting for it to swing open on its hinges breaking his moment of safety. 

Phil wrote another letter to Daniel the week before school started as a way to expel his nervous energy. No matter how many times he had to start over a new school year was always terrifying. 

Nausea rose in his chest as he thought about the week ahead of him. Phil was no longer necessarily the new student any more but he felt like he was. Anxious thoughts ran through Phil's mind as his pen raced across his paper. The words were sloppy with his movement. Would he be able to find his classes-would he have any friends in his classes. It was a never ending loop. 

"I'm nervous for school to start. I know there's no need to be. It's senior year how hard could it be?" Phil questioned. 

Continuing to write the paper was slightly crumpled. 

"I'm excited for yearbook together. I can't wait to go take photos for the spreads and help all of the incoming staff members. You were such a big help when I joined. I'd like to be able to do that for someone too. 

I'm not sure I'm looking forward to scaring them though. I was looking over my shoulder my entire first week. Alison texted me today. She hadn't heard from you since camp. Apparently no one on staff has but me. They're worried about you Dan. We all are. 

Martin told me he wanted to propose to his girlfriend. I'm not allowed to tell anyone yet though. Not even mom knows. He said he'd do it during thanksgiving so all of us can be there for it. I'm happy he told me. It makes me feel like he hasn't forgotten about me you know?

I'm still nervous about school though but I think I'm even more excited to finally get to hang out with you."

The letter ended there. Phil placed the paper folded inside an empty shoe box he had from back to school shopping. 

Dans father came home late that night with a weapon in his hand. The gun wasn't loaded. His father left it on the kitchen counter like and empty threat and a broker promise it sat next to Dans summer reading that he was yet to finish.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the actions in this story are 100% fictional. thanks for reading. i wrote this while it was raining. what's the weather like for you?   
> -nic


	10. Ten

They met at the corner convenience store just down the block from Daniels apartment. Phil was already waiting in the parking lot when Dan walked up. Two cups of gas station coffee waiting for the boys on their first day of senior year. 

Driving to school in Phil's faded blue Tacoma, in the cassette tape player was an aux adaptor. While Phil was driving Dan played a song he had found called "drive". Phil smiles as Dan sung along to every word. They got to campus early that morning. Though the boys didn't share the same first period they walked to Daniels together. 

Dan was worried the string connecting their fates would draw unnecessary attention but much to his appreciation the school was buzzing about something else. A couple of seniors decided to start the pranks early by taking a goat from the FFA club and letting it loose in Mr. Astorgas classroom. The entire school seemed to be talking about it alongside the usual first day excitement. 

The boys gathered around the teachers desk with a few other kids Phil thought he recognized from the poetry club. Dan's first period English teacher was the clubs sponsor. 

While Daniel couldn't be bothered to actually listen to what the rest of the kids were saying. The group gossiped with each other about their summer breaks. 

"I heard that Mrs. Wilson got her boobs done over breaks." A blonde girl said to anyone who would listen. 

"How could she afford new boobs she's got a teachers pay." A boy Dan recognized as a soccer player chuckled. 

"I don't know. That's just what I heard." The snarky girl replied. Dan stopped listening in. 

Daniel was still the acting president of the club with plans of stepping down by the end of September. For now on the first day of school Phil was just happy to be near Dan, even if they only had yearbook together.

They parted ways when the first bell rang. Daniel headed towards his seat while Phil went to find his first period math class. The hours dragged on before the boys reunited in the hall outside of the yearbook room. Several new faces were already inside and even more familiar. They walked together to the smiling face of Monica greeting them.

"Hello boys good summer break? I feel like I haven't seen you in forever." She pulled both boys into an awkward hug. 

They smiled at her and Phil shared a greeting before they walked to where the editors sit. Dropping their bags off claiming a computer each before heading to the tables in the center of the room where the rest of the class was already gathering. Mrs. Lennon stood near the podium at the front of the room excitement clear on her face. The final bell rang through the overhead speakers signifying tardiness.

"Welcome back to school and welcome to the yearbook staff." Mrs. Lennon began into her annual welcome back speech. 

She let the new staff members know what was expected of them before tuning to address Daniel and Allison as editors in chief. The two students rose from their seats heading to the front of the room. Allison started talking first, introducing herself as the new editor that would be in charge alongside Daniel. They started the introduction games they always played during the first week while Mrs. Lennon distributed the Non Disclosure forms she has every staff member sign before telling them the theme of the book.

At the end of the class slips of paper were handed out to each staff member with another students name. It was the first week scare games a tradition students started years before Daniel came to the school. Once you scare your assigned person you take their target until there's one person standing. In Daniel's four years he had never won. The most fundamental rule was that it had to be within yearbook class. 

The rest of the day Dan spent distracted by how he was going to step down without disappointing any member of the poetry club. Most importantly he didn't want to disappoint Phil. 

Phil was anxious throughout the entire day. Each class was a new set of problems. Where would he sit. He was relieved to see familiar faces in several of his classes having met several people through yearbook. 

Conversations faltered around him when he wasn't with Dan. Perhaps it was the string between them that allowed their thoughts to a line. It was far more than that though. The cosmic level in which they were made for each other created a type of conversation Phil could only find in the other. 

The first weeks of school Phil excelled in his course work while Daniel already seemed to be falling behind. He wasn't the clubs president any longer instead a girl a year behind him ran the meetings. Daniel hadn't even been to a meeting other than the one in which he resigned. Phil went to every meeting on Fridays after school. 

Daniels father was around more and more. The only time he and Phil found to talk was in yearbook or through text. It put a strain on the friendship on Phil's end at least. 

"I miss you." Was the most recent text Phil had received. Dan seemed intent on ignoring it but Phil was relentless. 

On the third week of Dan not going to a club meeting Phil intervened. 

"You're not acting like yourself Dan. I don't know why you don't just come to a meeting. They aren't mad at you for stepping down. You should just come back." Phil said over a late night call with Dan. 

His father was passed out on the kitchen floor a bottle of brown liquor spilled on the floor beside him. In Phil's house his parents were fast asleep in their bedroom with his dog curled at the foot of his bed. Their lives drastically different tied together. 

Dan stayed silent on his end not knowing what to say to the boy he was falling in love with far too quickly. 

"How do you know how I act Phil. You barely know me. We've known each other for what a month?" Dan spit suddenly. 

Phil was stunned in silence. 

"I've been trying to get to know you Dan but all you've been doing is pushing me out. We're tied together whether you like it or not, so why don't you stop acting like a dick." Phil said before he could say another word the call ended. Leaving both boys blanketed in dark silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it is midterms week so school is trying to kill me but here’s a chapter i worked on instead of homework.  
> -nic


	11. 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I only half edited this sorry.

School would be awkward when it resumed the next week after a holiday weekend. Phil paced in his room regretting the things he said over the phone. It was true though, he hardly knew the boy he called his best friend. Half a year was all he had known him for but Dan knew all his secrets. He knew all his fears. It was only now that Phil was realizing how hard it was to know Dan with all the walls he had up. 

Talking to Monica, someone Phil considered to be one of Dan's closest friends even though she had little insight into Daniel's life. They knew the superficial things about him. His favorite color was forest green even though most of his clothes were black. He liked blink 182 the most out of all his music and spaghetti was the one food he could never get sick of. Who was he though. Phil knew he had problems with his dad but that was pretty much the extent of it.

Phil picked Dan up at the gas station parking lot as usual. He had already unplugged his phone from the aux cord waiting for Daniel to plug his in like he did every day. They rode in silence to school. The lack of usual chatter from Daniel kept Phil on edge all morning and through yearbook.

The week would be miserable for both of them as they continued the silence speaking to each other through other people when necessary.

Eventually Dan forgot what he was supposed to be mad about one morning when he plugged his phone into the car pressing play on the music he was listening to that morning. 

Softly Dan mentioned he was sorry. Phil agreed and they drove to school in silence. Not an angry silence from before but a comfortable one. A one where both boys felt at peace sitting next to each other. 

At school the energy changed when they walked into the building laughing together at the scene they saw in the parking lot further confirming some of their classmates have no business driving. Monica noticed immediately from where she was at the lockers. A smile spread across her face as the two boys walked up to her. Daniel worked to open his locker as Monica chatted eagerly about how happy she was to see him and Phil acting normally again. Dan remained silent seeing the texts coming through on his phone. His father was angry at something Dan couldn’t seem to understand. He got the books he needed for the first half of the day before groaning and standing up. 

Phil shot him a look of concern but Dan just shook him off. His dad was probably just hung over and angry at the world. They walked to Dans first period where they waited for the first bell to ring.

As per usual the class day was long and boring except for the period Dan and Phil shared where they talked aimlessly with their class work sitting abandoned in front of them. Even mrs. Lennon wasn’t upset at this, happy to see the two boys finally over themselves. 

“Guess what I got today.” Phil said to Dan as the road to a McDonald’s for lunch.   
“What’d you get Phil?” Dan asked in an amused voice. This was a never ending conversation they had as Phil always had something new and exciting.   
“I found what to get you for Christmas.” Dan chortled at his excitement.   
“Phil, that's like two months away still. And you know you don’t have to get me anything.” Dan assured me. Phil nodded the same pleased grin on his face as he pulled into the drive through lane. 

They walked back onto campus late through the front office with cheeky smiles on their faces. They handed lunch to the secretary and received their tardy passes. They parted ways at the lockers heading to their own classes with plans to meet up for the football game that night. It was the first home game of the season and the first game Dan didn’t have to take pictures for, in his entire highschool experience. 

School ended with an excitement amongst most students for the game. The marching band came through the halls playing the school's fight song as the final minutes in class ended. It reminded Phil of highschool musical but with less dancing and more annoyed teachers. He caught back up again with Dan in the parking lot sitting on the tailgate. His bag beside him, legs swinging as he watched Phil walk up to him. Phil went to stand between them when Dan jumped up asking “what are we going to do for the next 4 hours before the game starts.”   
“Well,” Phil said, grabbing Dan's bag and throwing it into the truck. “We could go get coffee and then head to the river for a while.” Dan, seeming satisfied, jumped out of the bed and headed to the passenger side. 

The seasons were starting to change but they drove with the windows down anyway. The air by the river was colder as they walked through the trees. They were completely alone there. Everyone they knew were busy setting the tailgate party up. Their hands were intertwined as Phil led the way through a dense wooded area. 

The time they spent together went fast the sun set without either of them noticing. It was a quarter of the way into the game before Dan had realized they were late. They stumbled their way back to Phil’s truck and headed to the school. Right as they were pulling up the football teams canon went off making both of them jump.   
“Jesus fuck. No matter how many times I hear that thing go off it scares me shitless.” Dan said over the announcer cheering for the touchdown. 

They rushed to the stadium and weaved their way through the crowds of people before making it to the student section. Dan had never actually stood in the stands all four years. No one in the student section sat down throughout the game save for half time when they all pretended they were on a rollercoaster. Phil giggles the entire time they did that Dan filming it on his phone. They sang the fight song every time the team scored and jumped every time the cannon went off with each score too. They yelled at the other team till their voices were hoarse. After the game students filed to the local IHOP a post game tradition among the school. Dan had never done this either but Phil pulled him along as they had to have the full senior experience. Dan wouldn’t normally hang out with the crowd who went to football games willingly or to ihop after but Phil seemed to know most of them by name and they knew Phil too. 

Dan ordered a coffee and regular pancakes while Phil got birthday cake pancakes and a strawberry milkshake. Kids he didn’t know sat with them at the booth. The only people not from his highschool an elderly couple not very impressed at the sudden influx of teenagers, hyped off the win.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well I’m officially in self isolation so I actually had time to write . This is shorter than I wanted but I figured it was time I posted something with a tiny bit of happy in it


	12. Twelve

Dan walked to the gas station in the icy wind. The morning train passed behind him on the tracks that ran through the town. Stuck at the crossing was dans father watching him as he walked. He watched as Daniel climbed into the cab of a boys truck. They smiled at each other as the boy clumsily pulled out of the parking lot. His father followed in his car pulling into the same spot the truck had been parked in. Filled with absolute rage the man went into the convenience store buying cases of beer before tearing out of the parking lot in the opposite direction than what the boys went in. 

The Door slammed loudly nearly 2 hours after Dan had gotten home from school the walls in the apartment shock. Dan looked to his father from the kitchen, the disgust on his face scared him. Anger radiating from his father‘s body. He crossed the room in quick strides. Just went and thought he should try to get out of his way. It was too late, he had been hit. Then couldn’t figure out what he had done to anger his father this time. Alcohol coming off of his breath met Dan, thinking maybe he hadn’t done anything. His father then asked him as Dan was backed against the sink. 

“Who is that bitch you met with this morning?” The color left in his face, his expression gave his answer. His father didn’t like Phil and knew they were still around each other. Dan struggling to come up with a reason as to why they’re together.   
“He’s- we’re just in yearbook together and he gave me a ride. His voice wavered as he spoke. This wasn’t a good answer for his father as his voice raised. 

“I don’t want you around that bastard anymore, you ain’t taking that class no more. I’m not having you turn into one of them. I don’t care what your mama thinks.”

Dan can figure out if this was whatever alcohol or drugs had been on that was talking or if it was serious.

Dan didn’t meet with Phil the next day. He walked to school early that morning going directly to his guidance counselor that he was assigned to his freshman year. The note Dan's father had given him sat in his backpack purse between the pages of the textbook. It held the real reason he was requesting to drop your book.   
“Well Daniel it seems you have all your elective credits to be able to graduate without yearbook, but I’m still not sure why you would want to drop it if you’re the editor and you’ve been in this class your entire high school career.”   
Dan was ready for this judgment. He lied through his teeth to that lady with the fake paid concern. I was accepted into an internship and I am taking dual enrollment so it will give me more time to focus on my future. Dan said with fake excitement to convince her to allow him to drop. It worked easily on her but Dan knew without a doubt that none of what Dan said to her would work on Phil who knew Daniel well enough to see through the lie. First period was nearly over when the guidance counselor printed out his updated schedule that would go into effect next week. She didn’t bother with a tardy pass and sent him to second. 

His palms were sweaty as he thought of what he was going to tell Phil and how he was going to explain this to Miss Lennon, without disappointing her. He knew the other editor could handle the job they had worked so well together that everything should run smoothly without him, at least that’s what he hoped. They could always elect another editor to take his place. Dan is coming to terms with this decision the more he thought about it. It was a clean break. This was just one more thing then didn’t have to be responsible for. It was no different than him stepping back from the poetry club. He decided he would tell Phil as much of the truth as he could about the situation.

The first person to pull Daniel aside when he walked into yearbook was Mrs. Lennon. Dan was surprised to see her in class before the bell even rang. She gave him a look of concern before leaving him to the staff room. Dan couldn’t lie to her when she asked why he was dropping.  
”My father just doesn’t want me in this class anymore. I’m going to do some college courses so dropping will give me more time for that.” She shook her head slightly.   
“Okay Daniel, we’ll just have to find someone to take your place. They walked out of the room together. Phil stood by the computers waiting for him. Dan shared at the string at the end of Phil’s hand as it floated towards him. Dan told him everything in a hushed tone including that his father didn’t want him around Phil. Phil’s face heated with anger when Dan mentioned that detail. Daniel sat at his computer trying to finish as much of his work as he could. 

The days were longer without Phil. More than ever Daniel felt tired and alone even in the crowded hallways of his highschool. When he comes home to his dim apartment he truly is alone. The man he shares a name with is far from company.   
Sitting in front of the tv in the living room is a forgotten meal sitting on the coffee table. The colors on the screen aren’t as bright and the volume is low. He’s crying but can’t figure out why. Normally he would write a poem or something to distract his mind but now he can’t even bother to pick up a pen. So he sits there watching scenes unfold. 

Time passes without him noticing. The local news is on now his dad came and left without even looking at Dan. The night air was cold leaking in through the opened window. His body reacted goosebumps raising on his arms, shivering. He couldn’t bother to get up to close the window or even get a blanket. He sat there and prayed for the first time in months. 

Pleading with god to change his life. To just set him free of how he was feeling. He remembered the time when he was still knee high how his mother would tuck him in and tell him to say his prayers. The innocence of praying for new toys or for a snow day. Now he prayed to disappear. 

His phone vibrated, Phil had texted him a picture of a dog. Dan sent back a heart emoji before opening the notes app on his phone. without the motivation to hold an actual pen to paper he wrote for the first time in a long time how he was feeling. 

“The familiar pain  
Relief in sight  
Horrified by nothingness   
I waited   
Screaming and weak  
I panicked and launched  
Into pain without complaint.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ll edit this later thanks for reading


	13. Thirteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning suicide, major character death.   
> don't read this chapter if any of the above bother you. instead skip to chapter 14.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning suicide, major character death.   
> don't read this chapter if any of the above bother you. instead skip to chapter 14.

trigger warning suicide, major character death.   
don't read this chapter if any of the above bother you. instead skip to chapter 14.

"You made me feel weak yet so strong. You were the only person I could trust my love. I didn't mean to love you so much. You were everything to me but nothing anyone could have done would save me. I saw poetry in your eyes. I'm sorry for it to end this way. Say your prayers sleep tight." 

That was the text Phil woke up to on the morning of October 19. It was sent at three in the morning. 

It rang warning bells in Phil's head as he picked his cell phone up and called Dans number. He knew it by heart. 

No answer. 

He dialed it again and again and again. 

No answer. 

By the tenth time calling Dans phone he finally got an answer. It was Dans younger brother who picked the call up. 

The words that came from him confirmed his worst fear. It wasn't supposed to end this way was all Phil could think. He looked down to the fraying edge of his red string. His soulmate, his love, his Daniel was gone. 

Phil didn't remember hanging up the phone but he also didn't remember throwing it against his bedroom wall watching it shatter to pieces as his chest burst in half. 

Doubled over with agonizing pain. It felt so physical like he got hit by a car. It wasn't though it was the feeling of his heart breaking. 

At some point after the phone call did Phil's mother walk in on her son falling apart. He was barely able to get the words out. That he was gone. 

She sat with Phil holding her son in her arms as he sobbed on that Saturday morning. His dad was there too floating in and out of the room trying to comfort him. 

He fell asleep on his mother's lap tears staining her skirt as she tried and failed to soothe the broken boy.

His funeral was planned quickly and quietly. Phil hadn’t been invited but he arrived anyway with his parents walking on either side of him down the center aisle pews expanding in the small Catholic Church. 

The casket in the front of the church was closed. It was a glossy white next to it stood dans senior portrait in a gold frame. Students began to walk in silently. Phil took his seat in the second row still sandwiched between his parents who hadn’t left his side since the phone call Phil had with dans brother. He could see him from where he sat in a black suit jacket his eye hollow in the front row staring at the picture of Dan. 

Phil looked ahead at the things that had been placed with Dan. His yearbooks are on a table with some of his poetry from his high school career. Phil didn’t see his father but quickly found his mother looked just like him. 

Time passed strangely and before phil knew it he was being choked by the incense the priest was swinging. Phil heard him talk about Dan as if he knew him. He knew they didn't, no one really did. Phil didn’t even think he knew Dan. Not the real one at least. The Dan Phil knew was only what he showed to his friends. Phil hardly knew anything about his home life and only what Dan wanted to share. Still Phil felt he knew Dan better than anyone there. 

The procession to the grave site stopped the entire town. It reminded Phil of the dances he went to in September. Fewer people came to see Dan buried. Mrs. Lennon was there standing arm in arm with her husband. The entire yearbook staff stood together. Phil began to cry. His throat burned as he tried to be quiet but his body wouldn’t listen as the tears blurred his eyes. Phil's mother reached for his hand as he shook. More words were said about Dan and the lowered him to the ground. 

Phil stood there even after people had left. He vaguely remembered Dan's brother coming up to him and saying something but then he was gone. Eventually his parents were able to lead him away. 

The rest of the day seemed to blur into nothing. The following days became one long period of existing. Phil slept and ate when food was put in front of him and he slept some more. By the second or third day after the funeral he had a panic attack. Worse than any of the ones before his mother did what she could to calm him before she called his therapist to schedule an appointment.

Phil’s acceptance letters began arriving in the mail a month before he was due to graduate from school. They sat on the kitchen counter Phil continued to put off opening them with no one to share the excitement with. He never felt so alone then after losing Dan. His mom had encouraged him to open the letters every day but phil couldn’t do anything but go to school and come home. He came home one day after school throwing his bag and keys on the stairs before walking straight to his room.  
On his door and opened acceptance letter was taped from CU Boulder. He forgot he even applied there after coming back with Dan from yearbook camp. The small smile spread across his face at the memory I know where I’m going. He said this out loud to no one. “Dan I did it. I got in, I’m going back to Boulder.”   
Looking down at the piece of paper as he walked into his room laying down on his bed. He texted his mom a quick thank you message before falling asleep. 

His graduation day was bittersweet as he was leaving the place he first met Dan. His mother cried the entire day and cried even harder when they had Daniel‘s mother accept his diploma for him. Phil cried too. The entire yearbook staff came to his graduation party the day after the ceremony. Phil didn’t stop smiling the entire time. 

The day they packed the car to move Phil into his dorm both of his parents cried. Phil Was excited to leave and hopeful for his future with a tang of pain from not having Dan at his side they began the road trip to Colorado. 

The first place Phil went after he had finished unpack into his dorm room was the book store where he and dan first linked. He planned on staying there for hours browsing through the shelves till closing. He struggled to remember where exactly the store was. When he arrived he found the doors chained, the lights off, and a sign announcing its permanent closure. He almost burst into tears at the sight of it. The pain of losing Dan came back stronger than before it was like he was slipping through his hands. Thoughts of what if he would of just got those texts in time raced through his mind. He can’t remember how he got home that night. 

The memories Phil had of Dan kept flooding back throughout the semester, ones he forgot he had. Eventually the dorm building they stayed in during camp became just another dorm. One never really forgets their soulmate or their first love and for Phil they were one in the same. At school Phil was able to keep Daniels' memory alive while he learned how to be alone again. 

If you are thinking about suicide or are feeling alone and need someone to talk to, please call the Trevor Lifeline at 1-866-488-7386 for immediate help. It's free, confidential, and available 24/7.


	14. Fourteen

What if? A collection of paragraphs I wrote cause I was sad Dan had died. So let’s pretend shall we?

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Domestic dinner 

Phil woke that morning to the smell of brewing coffee. Saturday was just starting and they had nothing to do. Sitting on the couch watching the newest season of their favorite tv show, they ate breakfast slowly as the events on tv unfolded only pausing the episode to let the dog outside. Lunch time came eventually. In the kitchen their collection of cookbooks they had collected over the years sat on a shelf. Dan grabbed one at random letting Phil pick a page. Dan wrote down the ingredients they would need to cook for dinner that night. 

Phil kept putting things they didn’t need in the cart Dan struggled to get the actual necessities. Back home after checking the mail they set to make the meal on the page. What felt like hours later they were pulling the casserole dish out of the oven. Standing over the counter they took bites directly out of the pan. Dan tried to hide the look on his face as Phil spat the food directly into the trash, laughing. 

“That was horrible!” Dan day his fork down turning to the fridge pulling the takeout menu off it.   
“So Chinese?” Dan asked as Phil grabbed his phone to call in the order

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The wedding 

They were driving in Phil’s old pickup truck. The AC didn’t work any more and it only played cassette tapes but that was fine with Dan. The crank windows were rolled down. The radio played George strait. Songs that Dan had finally started to recognize the longer he was with Phil. It was summer break as the two roadtripped through Georgia heading to Phil’s hometown of Augusta. His brother's wedding was happening that weekend. Phil being the best man with Dan beside him the entire time. For now they were driving dan’s feet on the dash with forgotten fast food on the floor board, they were content. 

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Staying here forever

The sun was setting on a perfect day. Daniel laid across the couch, his head resting against Phil’s lap. The movie had finished playing, credits rolling on the screen lazily. Jumping to his feet Dan reaches his hand out to Phil. 

“Come dance with me.” Daniel demanded taking a hold of Phil's hand. They swayed to the end credit music moving around the coffee table and through the kitchen. Phil spun Dan time after time. Moving back to the living room they stayed swaying back and forth in their own world long after the music ended. Phil leaned in close whispering “I wish I could stay in this moment forever, love.”

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“We’re going to have the cutest babies ever.” 

It was something Dan said in passing to his now husband. Phil remembered that line when their first foster placement was taken back and for every child that came into their home and left loved by the two men. Their spirits were crushed for being parents together was all they wanted. 

It was an emergency placement call that came at 11pm. At first Phil didn’t wake to the phone ringing. It took a pillow to the face for him to wake up to a frantic Dan. Within minutes they were heading to the social services office to pick up two young girls a year apart in age. A one year old little girl with messy red curls and her older sister with dirty blonde hair we’re waiting for a safe place to land. 

They were in the Lester-Howell home for a year before they were legally allowed to change their last name to match their parents. Madeleine and Florence Lester-Howell were officially adopted on November 7th at 2:36 pm. Four years later a newborn little boy with no name came to their home. Aiden became a permanent member completing their family. 

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They go to college together 

Phil day in a huge lecture hall hundreds of students surrounding him. His phone was repeatedly buzzing in his back pocket. He was counting down the minutes until his class was over. With the last slide of the professor's lecture people started packing simultaneously. Phil waited for most of the crowd to leave before he made his way out of the lecture hall. Right outside the door in the crowd of students Dan stood with his backpack slung over one shoulder and a bag of food in his hand. They kissed softly before walking out of the building towards the center of campus to eat lunch in between classes. They sat in the grass surrounding a small duck pond. The air was still slightly warm as the summer weather wore off. Dan talked excitedly about his abnormal behavior class he had that morning. Phil smiles as he listens, eating fries left in the bottom of the bag. 

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Kids pt. 2

They both wanted a boy though neither of them would say it out loud, the idea of having a girl scared them. Still they chose not to know the sex of the baby the surrogate was carrying. 

When the nurse steered the plastic bassinet into the room where the two crying men sat the pink bundle of blankets melted any doubts either of them had away. By the end of the week they were officially home as a family of three to begin their lives with their daughter.   
Addisen cried for what felt like days leaving Phil feeling helpless and anxious he was doing something wrong. Dan did what he could to help Phil believe in himself. The first time she smiled did a better job assuring him than Dan ever thought he could. 

The first year although trying was the best year of their lives as they watched Addisen grow. Her first steps at Phil’s parents house were cheered on by the entire family. Her first word other than dada was bear. Dan celebrated by buying her every stuffed bear he could find. Addisens first birthday people gathered to celebrate her congratulating Dan and Phil on their ever amazing daughter. 

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**Author's Note:**

> this hasn't been proofread oops


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